Saturday, January 5, 2008

1st service of the year, a new beginning for me

i've lived my life as a failure.

if you want a good idea of how i have messed up, read the first line of the song "Inside out." picturesque in your mind's eye now? my life had been filled with so many repetitive failures even when God is in my life. shame crawls up to my back and sniggers at me before he overwhelms me so greatly, like always. and it's so overwhelming that i can just freak out, horrified at what i've done. an example would be Nehemiah 8:9 "Then Nehemiah the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who were instructing the people said to them all, "This day is sacred to the LORD your God. Do not mourn or weep."
For all the people had been weeping as they listened to the words of the Law."

a description of year 2007 was literally a year of fiascoes, be it icebreaker games, being a discipler, relationships with people, wanting approval from people, seeking attention, strongholds, blah blah. you name it, you get it.

i can always remember what Ps Chris Long says. Jesus is gonna tell that guy who's labelling you a failure or sinner "You shut your face because he's with Me." when he said that, i was tearing openly in a room of 300++ people. God's just so awesome.

you know you do something and you fail? trying again would be the last option in your mind and you'll just leave it as it is. give half-baked jobs when you're given the duty again. yeah, that's what yours truly is all about.

i never allowed a second chance in my life. but God offered me something which no one can is unconditional love. you know, His grace stretches miles and miles and it's never gonna end. no one can love me like that. can you imagine? i myself am so judgemental, so messed up and yet God loves me. He's placed good friends in my life which i'm not afraid to mention them right now, like Estehr Chong and Cheryl Lee[and she's my cellgroup leader] and praise God for them because out from their mouths are rebukes and words of wisdom. rebukes aren't very endearing to me at times, i admit. but it's like someone slaping you hard at your face and screaming at your year "WAAAKKEEE UPP!!!"

i spent a lot of the altar call yesterday crying because i know that i can have a new beginning and that's what God wants. if year 2007 had been wasted away, 2008 will be a year of victory and freedom for me. it'll be a year where God can use me so much more. my last year in school, plx.

i really like what Ps Daniel said: enough problems to keep you humble, enough friends to comfort you. i guess humility is something i always struggle with. i can't accept failures as part of my life though i see it all the time.

this year is a year of major exams for everyone. A's, O's, N's, promos, actually all the possible exams counting out those in universities and PSLE. i'm so afraid that i'll backslide and just drift away from God bit by bit. i just pray that i'll be pleasing to God no matter what. after all, that had been my prayer to Him for the past few months.

"All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD." Proverbs 16:2 because my motives are wrong whenever i do something, that's why this verse speaks so much to me.

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